March 7th, 2008
A day I’ll never forget.
My perfectly round “poked out belly”.
I couldn’t stop rubbing my belly.
It seems as if I was overprotective of this child from the moment I found out I was expecting.
When I look back it’s as if there was a knowing….I knew this baby was fragile.
So fragile….to the point of breaking.
I held the broken fetus in my hands with streams of tears pouring down my face….
I hoped….I prayed…I wished….
but my baby was broken and gone.
A piece of me died that day. I didn’t just lose a baby.
I lost alot of selfish ways.
I lost tolerance for foolishness and deceitfulness.
I lost the desire for momentary gain, success and wealth.
In the days following the miscarriage it felt as if I were living in a dream state.
I remember the sound of the passing cars outside our bedroom window.
I remember the sound of the soft rain on the window….not quite patterned, but rhythmic in it’s dance.
I felt hypnotized.
My baby was gone.
But there was a love….this deep , resounding love that sang through my heart loudly.
Yes, for my child….but even more so for this loving God who was somehow holding me in His arms giving me strength to breathe.
This God who knew my child by name and knew each tear I cried over losing him.
I saw this God even when I held that delicate fetus in my hand….although already passed on…still real and being formed in the image of God.
His magnificence was real even in death.
I still cry for my son. I dreamed of him for weeks after the miscarriage, and I wondered what he could’ve been on this earth.
I longed to know his smile. I longed to know the smell of his hair. I longed to know his personality. I longed to hold him.
I’ll never forget the day I lost him.
But even more….I’ll never forget the way Jesus held me with His strong arms, His gentle voice, and wrapped me in His unfailing love.
I lost him….but HE loved me.
His Love :revealed
Christian……I still think of you……